What Makes You An Outsider?

BEING AN OUTSIDER is never easy, especially if your life begins (or ends) that way. There are many reasons for alienation and disenfranchisement, but what makes any of us an outsider is that we are different

By the time I was ten, I’d reached my full adult height and puberty, and spent the entire fifth grade in the school counselor’s office retaking the IQ test in which I consistently clocked in at over 160, “genius.” Not only didn’t I look like anyone else, I didn’t think or talk like them either.

When I got pregnant at sixteen and was banished to the Florence Crittenton Home for Unwed Mothers, I was required to see a psychologist (“So how did you get pregnant?” LOL) whose mission in life was to uncover (and fix) the fatal flaw that had brought me there. Among other disturbing things that were done to break my psyche, I was given a new IQ test in which I was to put together a series of illustrations to form a logical sequence of events (like a cartoon panel) and a multiple choice of definitions for lots of words. I got all the word definitions correct, but I failed the sequence-of-events portion of the test, leading to a new score just above moron. The psychologist heaved a great, disappointed sigh and gave me her final diagnosis: “You’re a smart girl, but you have a warped perception of reality.”

I have been different my whole life. There were years in which I used being different as a weapon: an in-your-face to the society that shut me out. Sometimes I costumed myself in the outrageous adornments of my era, as if getting dressed was a form of guerilla warfare. At times I allowed myself to be a novelty to people who didn’t really care about me, but permitted me in as some kind of peculiar sidebar (or servant) to themselves. I got in a lot of trouble. But by grace, I also missed a lot of trouble. Most of my life, however, I was just sad as I watched other people having good times from which I was excluded. The injuries of our childhood often linger like a dormant virus.

I don’t have a “how I got over (and you can too)” to provide you with . . . learning to love and value ourselves is a lifetime process to which submission is painfully necessary. And triumphantly worthwhile. Having gone through the DIY psychic surgery of writing my memoir, and the extraordinary response I’ve received since it was published, has lifted me beyond the uncertainty and fear of not being liked for being myself. For loving myself. For trusting in the gifts I’ve been given, as different as they are, and as much of an outsider as they’ve made me to be.

Read more in my memoir, SINCE I LOST MY BABY: A MEMOIR OF TEMPTATIONS, TROUBLE & TRUTH